Did you and your partner get into a huge fight? Did tensions run high, and now you are no longer speaking? If so, you may be giving – or receiving – the silent treatment.

The silent treatment is a common response following a conflict.

It is a reaction as old as time – passed down for generations –where one partner stops speaking to the other after an argument. During the silent treatment, both partners typically feel some level of upset. It can look like avoiding the other person, physically leaving them, ignoring them by not returning calls or texts, frowning, or scolding them. The silent treatment can last anywhere from a few hours to days, weeks, or months. Unfortunately, the silent treatment degrades the quality of your relationship.

What is wrong with the silent treatment?

If one partner did something that deeply hurt the other – why shouldn’t they stop talking to them for a while? Not speaking to them for a time will let them think about what they’ve done, right? Not entirely – silent treatment can create a “lose, lose” scenario where the other partner feels hurt and punished by no communication or is “driven crazy” worrying about what their partner is thinking, how they are doing, and when – or if – they will hear from them again.

The silent treatment can often come across as “I am hurt, so I will punish you with silence to teach you a lesson.” This approach is inherently passive-aggressive – hurting or punishing the other person passively by withholding communication. It creates psychological tension that can be palpable to others in the same room – a tension that can be cut with a proverbial knife. While hurting the other person with “silent treatment” may not be the conscious intent, hurting the other person is typically the impact. This can lead to anger, hurt, and upset feelings on both sides and risk weakening the foundation of your relationship. Who would want that?

Before going further, it is important to clarify the difference between punishing your partner with “the silent treatment” and taking a pause during an argument.

Taking a pause when emotions run high can be a healthy and constructive approach. Taking a pause (warning – don’t use the word ‘break’) during an argument to decompress, regulate emotions, cool down, and process what happened. When emotions flood a person’s mind and body, it can be challenging to think straight and communicate effectively in an argument. Taking time to cool down is healthy because it is solution oriented with the goal to find a resolution to the conflict. A win-win scenario following an argument is to reach a resolution as soon as possible.

Below are some positive strategies to consider while taking “a pause” or “time out” during an argument where emotions have run high.

For the partner who was hurt:

✔ Identify the negative feelings you are experiencing. Are you feeling hurt, disappointed, jealous, or abandoned? Are you feeling a combination of these emotions? Identify and name the feelings you are experiencing. Making sense of exactly how you feel is the first step to feeling better. Consider why you feel this way, whether your partner’s actions are wholly responsible for your feelings – or if there are aspects of your personal history at play. For example, are you feeling hurt because of what your partner did and because an ex-partner or someone else did something similar in your past? Did a wound or trauma from a previous relationship get triggered? Either way, think about ways of expressing how your partner’s behavior hurt you and why. This will better set them up for a wholehearted apology.

✔ Engage in self-care activities. Work on cooling or regulating your emotions so that you can re-engage in conflict resolution. Do things to help yourself feel better in the moment. Go for a walk or workout. Listen to relaxing music. Reach out to a friend for support.

✔ Avoid unhealthy coping. Avoid drinking alcohol, using drugs, or eating comfort foods to feel better. These approaches will often make you feel worse.

✔ Keep the conversation emotionally safe. Do not say things like “I am done” or “I am through with you,” name-calling, or verbally abuse your partner. Attacking the other person because you feel hurt could only make matters worse.

For the partner who is receiving silent treatment:

✔ Focus on the emotional impact. Consider how and why your actions (or lack of appropriate actions) impacted your partner emotionally. Think about how they are feeling on a deep level. What vulnerable emotions might they be feeling – is it anger, abandonment, or embarrassment? Try to empathize with how upset they are feeling. Explaining or justifying your behavior is rarely helpful, at least initially, when someone is very upset. Instead, focus your attention on the emotional impact your actions had on the other person. “I am really sorry I made you feel ___. I feel terrible. How can I make this right?”

✔ If you’re confused about why your behavior prompted such a strong reaction in your partner, recognize that what you said, did, or didn’t do may have hit on a past trauma or emotional wound.

✔ Think creatively about how to make amends and repair damage done. Be ready to listen openly. Focus on listening rather than explaining yourself.

✔ Engage in self-care activities as well. Do things to decrease stress, improve your mood, unwind, and cool down.

The bottom line 

Silent treatment is not a practical approach for navigating arguments. After an argument with a significant other, the end goal should be a resolution where both partners feel better, feel closer, and understand each other on a deeper level. With new knowledge and understanding of each other, partners will feel closer, more intimate, and emotionally safer. And best of all, similar conflicts can be avoided or managed more effectively in the future.

Do you need help navigating conflicts in your relationship? Reach out today.