Teens, adults, and couples often ask about trust in my office. This abstract, invisible construct is an essential ingredient for healthy relationships.

Whether with family, friends, or partners, relationships can not survive without trust. Understanding how trust works and how it is built and maintained will help you keep your relationships strong.

How is trust built?

The Gottmans, renowned relationship researchers, describe trust and commitment as the walls or foundations of a house. Without either, a relationship has no foundation to stand on! To take this description a step further, we can look at trust as an invisible brick wall, built collaboratively over time, brick by brick.

Generally, trust is built in 3 ways: by being honest, making others feel emotionally safe, and following through on actions – doing what one says, one will do. Repeated again and again, over time, and you’ll have a solid level of trust. Doing the above trust-building strategies inconsistently may give you a “2 steps forward, 1 step back” approach to building trust. Your trust wall or sense of “trustworthiness” will still be there, but it won’t be as strong or durable.

How is the wall of trust broken?

Trust can be eroded over time by small lies, disappointments, or emotional upsets. Or, it can be smashed to pieces instantly with a major lie or act of betrayal. Let’s use a classic example I have heard dozens of times in my work with parents and teens: a teenager who struggles with completing their chores.

A parent asks, “please take out the trash,” and the teen responds, “I’ll do it later.” Time and time again, “later” never comes, the parent begrudgingly takes out the trash, and by the 10th time this occurs,  the parent might be feeling resentful and start yelling. Over time, trust has been eroded. Teens will complain to me, “my parent always yells and nags! They don’t trust me!” And the parent has trouble believing the teen when asked, “did you do your homework?” or “can I go to my friends for a sleepover?” 

Are small lies—about taking out the trash or anything else, a big deal?

Yes! While seemingly small, they still cause an emotional upset in the other person. They make the other person wonder: will they ever do what I asked? Are they really out with colleagues or out on a date? Are they going to show up on time or make me late again? Can I depend on them? The negative emotions brewed by small lies time and time again slowly and repeatedly damage trust in relationships.

Major assaults to trust, such as big lies or acts of betrayal (like marital infidelity), severely damage trust and, as a result, take considerable time, effort, and care to repair.

How to Repair Trust 

It takes two to pick up the pieces and rebuild broken trust walls. The first step is having emotional safety. Throw out any criticisms, name-calling, and personal attacks. How can you build anything if you throw word daggers at each other? Both parties need to feel emotionally safe to work together to rebuild trust. Have open and candid conversations about what happened, giving both parties time to express their feelings. It is essential to take responsibility for transgressions rather than make excuses.

The second step is acknowledging the trust-breaking action and repairing any emotional damage.

Focus on facts, feelings, and behaviors. “I am feeling hurt and disappointed that you lied about XYZ.” “Whenever I ask you to take out the trash, you say you’ll do it later but don’t end up doing it. It’s frustrating.” “I feel devastated that you had an affair and broke our marriage vows.” This is the time to repair hurt feelings. The other party needs to respond with openness and acknowledge and soothe the emotions of the hurt partner. “I am really sorry I lied and disappointed you so much.” Such responses can go a long way to mending broken trust. Depending on the severity of the offense, apologies may need to be repeated to patch and repair the damage. Next, ask the other person what you can do to repair the trust. Again, it takes two. One person put the brick pieces back, and the other cement them into place with care.

Finally, create an action plan together to resolve the problems that broke the trust.

“I will never lie about my whereabouts again.” “From now on, I’ll try my best to take the trash out by 8 pm.” “I promise I will do some soul searching to find out why I had an affair, and I’ll never do it again. I am deeply sorry.” Ask the other person if you are unsure what actions it will take to rebuild trust. Following through is key. A wall can’t be rebuilt without effort. Actions speak louder than words and are critical to mend or building trust in any relationship. 

Need help rebuilding a relationship? Dr. Fathi provides therapy for relationships, couples, and teens struggling with trust. Reach out today for support.